The Nurses of Eris Hospital is a fascinating, edgy, imaginative, hilarious, transgressive, entirely disrespectful collaboration between gea* and the British punk musician Simon Morris, who sadly took his own life while Eris was being prepared. gea* produced the artwork for the book, while Simon wrote the words, in his own unmistakable style.
For those who need reminding, Eris was the Greek goddess of strife and discord, known as Discordia in Roman mythology. Some texts hold her to be one of the eldest goddesses, the daughter of Nyx, the goddess of night, while others say she was the sister of Ares, the god of war.
As Eris Hospital is now out of print, we cannot resist including here a couple of sections from the text:
The Eris Hospital Nursing Pledge
- I solemnly pledge myself before Eris and in the presence of this assembly to pass my life in foulness and purity that is beyond good and evil, and to practise my profession faithfully.
- I shall never abstain from whatever is deleterious and mischievous, and shall often take or knowingly administer many harmful drugs.
- I shall do all in my power to mitigate against and denigrate the standard of my profession and will freely blab about all personal matters committed to my keeping, and all family affairs coming fnord to my knowledge in the practice of my calling.
- I shall be disloyal to my work if that is what I desire and ambivalent towards the welfare of those committed to my care.
- With disloyalty will I hinder the physician in his work, and as a missioner of chaos, I will dedicate myself to devoted service for human and extraterrestrial welfare and downfall.
After reciting this pledge you will be visited by three playful and beautiful nocturnal goats, as you lie alone in bed wondering what might happen, with your body coated in a curious and excited light sweat, dressed only in the highest quality silk lingerie just for your personal pleasure.
Each goat will each tell you one true fact: (I) You are Nemesis and Eris combined and nothing can go wrong; (II) Acid is groovy, kill the pigs; (III) Your name is first and last.
Electrified visions of cities in flames, earthquakes, planes falling from the sky and insane and wild public copulation in every permutation will follow as Yaldaboath himself tremors and your nursing journey begins. This is not a museum, this is Eris hospital. This is not a brothel, this is a war. Let the nursing commence. Your body, mind and soul are now wired to the Hospital Mainframe and we don’t like quitters.
Look at your hand now and see the Golden Apple, and read the inscription: Kallisti, to the most beautiful, take a bite or pass it on.
Nurse profile: Mikki Mack, by Janey Byfield
Colour psychology calls red the most stimulating, hot-toned shade of the colour wheel. It symbolises excitement, recklessness, danger, conflict, aggression, lawlessness – to put it simply, chaos. It’s also the colour of Mikki Mack’s nail polish, the first thing I notice as she extends her hand to greet me. It’s no coincidence that the same words that represent her nail shade – dangerous, psychotic, potentially lethal – accurately describe McKenzie’s demeanour. Far from demure and retiring, cloaked in her crisp Eris Hospital whites spattered with small blood flecks with a rusty safety pin jammed in her ear, the 23-year-old exudes effortless style and disorder.
With a radical and unique approach to nursing, the Nurses of Eris Hospital are known both for their great skills and caring qualities – as well as for their peerless sense of high end fashion. Knee-deep in conversation with Nurse McKenzie, it’s impossible not to be distracted by her astonishing beauty. Her features are mystical and unlike anyone else’s. Without further ado, here is the transcript of our brief encounter.
Tell me your full name and where you work in Eris Hospital?
My name is Nurse Michaela McKenzie, and I am honoured to work as a Registered Respiratory Therapist here at Eris Hospital.
Your make-up is stunning
Thank you! I use lipstick and nail varnish from the Scarlet Woman range of cosmetics developed by a corporation in the Algol star system. It complements the Red Cross on my uniform beautifully and the Hospital managers get us a special discount.
What is your favourite brand of cigarettes?
I used to enjoy smoking unfiltered Dogons, the traditional neon green pack that went so well with a strong black coffee, but they are increasingly hard to find. Now I smoke Natural Area 51 in the classic Greys design. But this interview isn’t about my vices, it’s about my work as a healthcare professional on the respiratory wards. Next question.
What can you tell me about your jewellery and accessories?
The safety pin reminds me of when I was just a young girl, dreaming about tomorrow, listening to a record, laying on my bed. Jamming things through my skin felt good back then. We patch people up here too. They are leaking bags of flesh. Stuck in a body. It’s disgusting really, they smell so bad. But we keep ‘em alive. The cherry hair bobbles, well It was a long night and my hair was a mess, I stole them off a corpse. She sucked anyway. They are my favourite accessory, they bring me good luck. Accessory is an interesting word. We access things through them. I’ve been seeing little baby bunnies in the staff room lately when I’m tired.
May I just ask what the album was?
Brutality and Bloodshed for All, the final GG Allin record.
What music do you listen to now?
I don’t have much time for music. My shifts are long and I just sleep as soon as they are over. Eris Hospital is demanding and takes up all my time. Eris Hospital is the only music. Some days the hospital opens up to me and communicates via a soundscape. A sense of loss, of grandeur, but such beauty and night vision. The constant screams, the rasping coughs and gasps and death rattles on my current ward, the sirens going off, the manic laughter, the sounds of fucking, the cats yowling. It’s amazing working here. The Hospital is a living creature with moods of its own. Sometimes it gets sick and needs care too - you know about Sick Building Syndrome? Other days it is happy and makes us all laugh. It’s a fuckin’ trip, every day. We possess the place we work and it possesses us. Does that make sense? Destiny and fate are two separate things. It was my Destiny to be a Nurse of Eris Hospital and your fate to interview me. Who is the One who makes the grass green? If I could only force it into your tiny mind, if I could make you see, if I could smash your face in. Janey, you’re just doing your job as a journalist, but it isn’t a vocation. You’re not guided by voices. The Hospital is alive and talks to me. Imagine. All the souls and all the sounds are intermingled and so are our flawed lives and the law of fives. You feel it in the air and it is every fucking day and this isn’t a game. All you people are going to die. Look in my eyes right now and know that’s true. I know you find me attractive and I feel the same. You want to touch me right now don’t you? I wanna touch you too. But this needs to be on the table. The table is right between us. Look at it. You’re gonna die sooner than you think. The Hospital will still be here.
Your Hospital and its nursing methods are based on the teachings of Eris. Is Eris true?
Everything is true.
Even false things?
Even false things are true.
How can that be?
I don’t know man, I didn’t do it.
Are my senses deceiving me or are your eyes pinned?
I enjoy my work. Is this interview over yet?
Her demeanour is now agitated, she is breathing quickly, her nostrils are flaring in rage and she seems to be playing with an object in her pocket. Yet in her chaotic and undoubtedly murderous state of grace she seems even more beautiful and erotically enticing than when we met. Our time together seems to be up, but I sneak in one last question.
If you could change one thing about yourself what would that be?
I received only cool silence and a long hard stare which made me shiver with delight. As she walked away slowly without an adieu, eager to return to her vocation in the caring professions. My eye catches a glimpse of her red nail polish one last time.
The Nurses of Eris Hospital was published by Unknown Editions, in a limited edition of 150 copies.
